Hi everyone! It’s been months since I have last written on my blog. You can say that I have lost touch lately and I have been struggling in doing things. I feel sluggish for most part. I won’t be adding any title on this blog as I really don’t intend to make this an official blog entry. There will be no photos and or happy ending. Just pure emotions. Because right now, I think I need help or advice on things. Maybe.
Please, let me know if your thoughts, reaction or a piece of advice. :) I hope I don’t bore you with this one. Thank you!
P.S. I have not proofread this. Lol. :P
I. It is okay. It will be okay.
You know when you were 16 years old and you see a 22-year old person you would think, “Hey, I want to be like him or her when I grow up. So successful, happy and contented in life.” Fourteen years ago that was my thinking, when I get to my twenties or thirties, I will be as successful as my cousins who have had settled down and had a family. I will be happy and contented. I will be able to do all the things that I wanted to do. I was wrong or maybe I didn’t get the formula right.
Three months ago, I faced my big Thirty and I felt like a total failure. When I looked back at the things that I did in all those years, those things seemed to be trivial now. I know it contributes to want I am right now but I can’t help but to feel that I am like a total mess. No kidding. If the average life span of a Filipino is at 69-years (That is according to Google), then I am making a good job at messing it up. I don’t know why or maybe I just don’t want to accept it.
When I try to look back, I see that there are a lot of things that I wanted to try and to do. I like what am doing right now, but does it make me happy? I can’t seem to answer that question in a straight yes lately. I find myself sad most of the time. Sad not depressed as I am not diagnosed with such case. I thought I was just burnt out from work but it’s not it. I just don’t find myself struggling to get up in the morning and to commute all the way to work but also on weekends. I just don’t want to go out. I try to but if I can just stay home, I will be much okay with it. I am losing my motivation and inspiration on things. I have constantly been looking for new things to do and give up easily or halfway through it. Things like; doll-making, painting, mini sculptures (which I was really good at before), reading, photography, even eating healthy – I gave up on it which is really bad.
So what do I do with all these feelings and things of failure I have with me right now? None? Maybe I will continue to ignore it and enjoy the mediocrity of my life as of the moment. I need help. I need to get back on track. I need to stop this whatever I am doing to myself. Maybe I should read a book or something. Maybe it’s because of this extreme summer heat – feels like I wanted to melt every time I go outside.
However, when I think about it. I am fortunate. I have family, and friends whom I can rely on. I have a job and there are people around that make each day bearable. I still laugh, I can still make jokes, I can still greet people with a smile. I guess, I just forgot how little things matter too. Maybe I am so focused on the outcome that I forgot how to live. I forgot that in this life there is no such thing as an end goal. (That’s probably death but who know what happens after death? Right?)
Yesterday, I forced myself to attend a recollection. I have come to realised that I should have been thankful of all the things that’s happening to me – to always chose to be happy. But to be able to be fully happy I must also accept my sadness, my guilts, my frustrations, my regrets because those are important too. I must understand myself and that even in the most unlikely situation there is a blessing hidden somewhere. That I am not doing this alone.